How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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