i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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