Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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