i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
