i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Are we still banned from the library?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
