I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize