dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
