you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
