I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize