Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
