So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
