I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I have demons in me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
