I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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