definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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