my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
