And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
