Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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