I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
