Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
