you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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