who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize