Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
