I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
