He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
