no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
