i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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