I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think i got beer on your cat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize