My room smells like vodka and shame
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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