singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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