it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
