He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
