I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
