upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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