I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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