Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
