Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
