If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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