and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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