Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
