I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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