The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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