Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
