I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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