I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
