kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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