a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
