so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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