I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
