i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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