You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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