I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
