ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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