I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
