Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize