I wish I only lived at night.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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