So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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